30 Apr

“Most people want to be circled by safety, not by the unexpected. The unexpected can take you out. But the unexpected can also take you over and change your life. Put a heart in your body where stone used to be.” 

– Ron Hall

“Most people want to be circled by safety, not by the unexpected…

The process of my training started as a burning passion. Just like the Cogon grass, when things did not happen the way I planned it, the fire slowly turned to dust. The lost purpose and direction slowly turned my dreams into a routine sleep-wake cycle. Are you happy? Happiness is a manifestation of a subjective appreciation. Truly, I am blessed beyond measure. I keep telling everyone how lucky I am to have a supportive family. But then, once in while, I look at the mirror and ask myself, “where did all the fire go?” I put on my powder and dab a little make up, looking at the corner of my eyes wondering why has the sparkle gone. Everything became fairly monotonous and even unconsciously forgot how being playful was like.

I never wanted competition. It sucks up the life in me. It made me rebellious. I hated studying if the goal was to excel. I had enough share of unfortunate stories for me to end up hating being on top. Being on top meant not having a study buddy because people has this common notion that I do not need to study anymore. Being on top meant some people looking up to you but more people looking down at you, trying to gauge if the assessment was actually fair. Being on top meant maintaining and protecting this status to the point of failure. I became exhausted trying to prove myself. I tire so much thinking of what others may think of me. I was too concerned of other’s business, forgetting, in the process, to tell myself “it’s okay to fail them, to not please them, to be not okay.”

I find comfort in being with my family. They are my safe zones. Then came April. My outside rotation will be starting in 15days. I will be spending 8 weeks away from my family  - my constant buddy, Jay and my stress relievers: Nica and Phil. I couldn’t even concentrate because of the fear of being unable to put up to my Bosses’ expectations.

“Don’t be afraid to fail me.” Those were the most comforting words I heard from my boss. Outside rotations are meant to guide me when I decide which subspecialty I will be doing after my residency training. I was stubborn and told my boss it wouldn’t matter ‘coz I already made up my mind. I’m not going to fellowship.

…The unexpected can take you out.”       

It was 5 a.m. of the 15th of April. Time to leave the house. I hardly was able to sleep the previous night. In Manila, I’ll be eating alone for the next 56 days, if that is even possible. I could barely digest the food whenever I eat alone. This will be the longest time I will be away from my kids. My Tagalog is so poor that I’d rather speak English! I just have to get through all these alive. I boarded the plane. Arrived in Manila shortly before lunch. I survived the solo flight! My uncle met me at the airport and safely arrived at the dormitory just in time for lunch. Thank God for the delayed flight, I get to eat lunch with somebody – my Uncle. The dormitory attendant was accommodating, too. Like me, she’s Bisaya. The room was for 2, with a decent room space, huge study area with Wi-Fi connection, clean and spacious bathroom with hot and cold shower.

…But the unexpected can also take you over and change your life.”

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